"Around these years, children begin to become increasingly self-conscious, and this often drives social difficulties that did not exist in their lives before," said Dr. John Duffy, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist. "Of course, pushing the boundaries of freedoms and exhibiting new attitudes also arise during these years."
Even though the tween years can test the strength and patience of the child and parent, it doesn't have to result in a game of survival. The key to a healthy parent-tween relationship relies on a clear understanding of boundaries and the struggles and freedoms the tween is now facing on a daily basis.
The Inherent Struggle
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, education specialist and author of "Talking to Tweens," says typical tweens seek individuality while attempting to discover their true identity.
"Tweens are exploring their growing sense of self as they begin to separate from parents and explore how to act within the confines of their gender," she said. "Their question is, 'Who am I now?'"
Hartley-Brewer, a mother of tweens, says social pressures associated with popularity with friends, fashion and self-image come into play.
"For tweens, the important thing about friends is choice and autonomy, precisely because they begin to use friends to strengthen their sense of self," she said. "They are no longer happy to be forced to play with the children of our best friends or those of close neighbors -- they must choose their own."
A tween is also at the stage where freedom is enticing, but not always within reach.
"Children have an unrelenting fascination with the forbidden," Hartley-Brewer said. "It is always there, but it becomes more evident at key stages in their development when children get fresh yearnings to be more independent."
School pressures can bring both positive and negative changes to a tween. A rough day at school may ultimately result in a rough evening at home, says Hartley-Brewer.
"School forms a big portion of any child's life, and parents need to understand children's good and bad experiences."
The Generation Gap
Heather Shannon, a Chicago-based high-school counselor and licensed counselor in private practice, says cyberbullying and cyberaddiction are prominent among today's tweens. It even happens in schools that do not allow cell phones in class."Tweens behave much like teenagers did a generation ago," Duffy said. "Due in large part to their enormous access to information through so much new media, children are simply growing up faster, often faster than their minds can keep up with."
"The practice is so ubiquitous, teachers can't really control it anymore," she said.
Cyberaddictions pose a challenge at home.
"Instead of doing chores or enjoying dinner with the family, they're texting someone," Shannon said. "Tweens don't have actual phone conversations anymore. They just text each other for hours at a time."
While addictions can lead to temporary communication breakdowns, cyberbullying can literally track a tween through life.
"Tweens today do not get the grace of having mistakes forgotten," said Kim Estes, a Washington-based child-safety expert for Savvy Parents Safe Kids. "The Internet and social media sites leave an indelible mark and a permanent trackable record of what tweens say and do for a long time to come. Kids at this age do not grasp the permanency of their actions now and how it can impact them in the future."
Shannon has seen this in practice.
"Kids say things online that they'd never say in person -- the gossip and drama spread much more quickly online, pictures are posted for all to see and there are always way too many people involved in the conflict," Shannon said.
This is another reason why adults need to keep up with the tween's technology usage. Parents unwilling to dabble online can end up with a major disconnection between themselves and the child.
"Kids today are power users of technology, and they need guidance and example setting from the adults in their lives," Estes said.
Reinforcing the Parent-Tween Relationship
Even though your tween may roll her eyes and sigh every time you enter the room, according to Shannon, it may be just an act.
"What I've noticed about tweens is that they still want a good relationship with their parent, even if they pretend not to," Shannon said. "Parents need to be persistent and work hard to break down the walls that tweens often set up because they're feeling fragile and exploring their independence."
Shannon suggests asking what your child needs -- not what he wants -- and try to understand his point of view whether you agree with it or not.
Estes says consistent dialogue is important. It should be part of a daily routine.
"A simple and noninvasive way to connect with your tween is to share the best and the worst part of your days with each other," she said. "You may only get single word responses, but creating a predictable space for them to talk to you each and every day is crucial."
Healthy discussions about dating, sex, alcohol and drugs are vital, too. Even though it's uncomfortable, the tween is going to learn about these things one way or another. The experts say the child needs to know where you stand on each issue, and you need to know your child's feelings and level of understanding.
A shared journal can give the tween a place to write down questions he is uncomfortable asking face to face. Estes says this journal allows parents time to craft thought-out answers to tough questions.
Miriam Jochnowitz, a parent educator and family mediator, said parents have just as much to learn during this phase of their child's life.
"Parents need to recognize that their role is shifting -- it is becoming less about managing and more about guiding," she said. "Children need to be allowed to make their own mistakes to some extent. In general, children who have had the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes will be safer than those whose judgment has not yet developed."
Knowing a parent will be there for support when mistakes occur is the key to maintaining an open relationship with your tween, says Jochnowitz.
"Keep the door open so they can come to you for help without worrying that your reaction will be 'I told you so.'"
Posted in: Teens and Tweens